December01

Twilight Bondage

Thanksgiving and Christmas time usually means I'm going to rack up some miles on the ol' Jetta. This year was no exception as Ashlee and I packed up the car and headed south for Fayetteville, Fort Smith and Hot Springs. We usually listen to a smattering of music, podcasts and NPR, but this time we decided that an audio book might be better fare. Having no real desire to hear anything in particular, Ash suggested a book that she and millions of other girls are hopelessly addicted to – "Twilight."

We weren't even 20 minutes outside of KC before we began listening, and it was only a minute later that I breathed my first "sigh."

It was only a mere 13 hours later that we were back in KC and had finished listening to the book. We actually finished it in the parking lot of the movie theater and then went inside to see the on-screen adaptation. The movie was much quicker paced than the book, which I appreciated, but there are some fundamental things that I truly dislike about "Twilight" thus far and don't know if I'll enjoy the rest of the series (Warning: spoilers present):

First-Person Girl Romance Novels
Guys, don't be fooled. First and foremost, this series is written for girls in high school. It's not an action flick. It's not a mystery. It's a romance. Worse yet, it's a teenage romance. Ever since I've NOT been a teenager, the worst kind of romance ever is the teenager variety. I don't care about how god-like this boy is. I don't care about what it felt like to touch his arm or even kiss him for the first time. I don't care about how annoyed he becomes with all of your questions. I think that over half the book takes place in about a 5-hour time frame where Edward and Bella are laying in a field together. That's boring. Vampires = evil. Evil = trouble. Trouble = action. You can pin a love story around action, it happens all the time. The movie was better about this than the book, but damn.

Re-Written Rules for Vampires
I'm not a stickler on carrying on traditional rules for this and that. In fact, I don't mind the occasional variance if it's well-done – "True Blood" does it well and also the zombies that can run in "28 Days Later" come to mind. But changing the rules to make your story work as a romance is pushing it. Here's a list of de-bunked vampires myths, according to Stephenie Meyer:

• Vampires can go in the sunlight. Guess they're not "creatures of the night" anymore, eh?
• When vampires are in sunlight they glow, or shine. It actually just looks like they're sweaty.
• Vampires never need to sleep. This one I don't mind as much. They're not human, after all. They're immortal. So this makes sense, somewhat.
• Vampires don't have to be invited into homes. This one isn't too bad, either. But it takes away all of the fun of unknowingly inviting evil into your household. This means there are no safe-havens anymore.
• Vampires don't have fangs. I'm calling bullshit on this one. Humans teeth have become less sharp over thousands of years because we've become more civilized. We have eating utensils that we can cut our food with. Vampires have fangs so they can pierce the skin of a human. Vampires are the ultimate hunters. But in this case, they just put weird bite marks onto people's necks.
• Vampires can eat animals to curb their hunger. This one is stretching it. Vampires feed on the living's blood. Technically, I suppose they could just get that from animals. But, these are the un-dead, people!
• Not all vampires are evil. Mmmmm, okay. Sure, I'll bite. But, like zombies, they don't really have the choice of feeding or not feeding. When they crave blood, they crave it. Much like in "True Blood," a bottle of synthesized blood might tide you over. In the end, though, you're going to feed.

Can you see how these rules were changed for the romance? They're not all evil (aka monsters) and they don't shine in daylight. That means that they're capable of free-will and they can hang out in the daytime. This was strictly done for romance purposes because if the vampires couldn't come out during the day, then how would Bella fall in love with Edward? Maybe they both work a late shift together?

Hating What You Are
Poor Edward doesn't like being a "monster." He and his family have made the choice of being civilized vampires and the townspeople appreciate it (even though they don't know that they do). But man, does he HATE that he's a vampire and has the desire to just eat people. Know what I say (and this goes for any vampire that complains about it)? You don't HAVE to be immortal. Just off yourself. You had your chance to be human a long time ago. You're not doing us any favor by sticking around.

I'm sure there are more, like how AskMen.com mention that Robert Pattinson (Edward) has all the makings of a future db. But in all actuality, it's not that bad of a story. If you remove the lame high school drama from it, the series might actually flourish for both girls AND guys. I've heard the series gets worse from here, though, so I'm not sure what to expect. Maybe I'll just let Ash read them and tell me what happens.

We also finally took the time to watch the latest James Bond movie, "Quantum of Solace," this weekend. My two-second review: Chase scenes on land, sea and air hardly match up to a high-stakes poker game. The stunts were pretty bad ass, but the franchise started to slip back into the Bond of old. That's not necessarily bad, and it could be worse, but like we saw with "Casino Royale," it could be so much better.

+ original post date: December 1, 2008 02:10 PM
+ categories: Movies