November20

BMN: The Haunting of Molly Hartley

“We see bad movies so that we can truly appreciate the good ones.”
– Someone who (obviously) thinks we’re doing ourselves a service.

Another scary movie. Another haunting. Another crappy flick that Scoot made us go see. This week's gem was "The Haunting of Molly Shannon" "The Haunting of Molly Hatchet" "The Haunting of Gretchen Mol" "The Haunting of Molly Ringwald" "The Haunting of Molly Hartley." It's a real coming of age story about a girl (Molly) and her father, trying to cope with the fact that Molly's mother tried to kill her with a pair of scissors just a few months earlier. Shockingly, this movie is only rated a 3% on RottenTomatoes.

Oh, sorry, that's right, scissors. If you didn't guess from my synopsis, Molly ended up surviving. I can think of a few better weapons to ensure the destruction of a POSSESSED daughter!

Uh-huh, you heard it here first, Molly is possessed.

Well, I think she is. You see, she was all but dead the instant she was born (a few months early, to boot). While her parents laid on the bathroom floor of a nasty diner and the paramedics did all they could to revive the deceased child (which wasn't much), a cloaked figure waltzes out of a stall and promises to save the child with one condition – on her 18th birthday ... something, uh, CRAZY, would happen.

Put yourself in the shoes of Molly's parents. Why wouldn't you take that proposal? Eighteen years of a daughter and then at the end you trade her in for, um, something realllllly bad. You would totally take that deal. Right?

If you said yes, then you suck at this game of life. Here's what will happen... (spoilers, if you give a care)

When poor Molly is in her 17th year of life, as her mother, you're going to go crazy. And by crazy, I mean you're going to start praying a lot. Eventually, you'll try to get Molly to pray with you. And when that doesn't save her, the ONE time you actually got her to kneel with you because she felt sorry for how psychotic you've become, you're going to take out a pair of scissors and stab Molly in the sternum. Too bad for you, Molly will survive (because you stabbed her in the STERNUM) and then you'll get shipped out to a mental ward.

But don't fret. Your husband and Molly, who are attempting to start their life over, will move to a city that your mental institution is in!

Then Molly will start a new school and then she'll start being bothered by whispers that surround her. She'll get a few nosebleeds then flirt with the Zac Efron wannabe.

Molly's dad will get all pissed off because Molly is having nosebleeds and isn't telling him. Then, she'll freak out and wind up in the hospital. It's cool though, she just has a benign tumor in her nasal passage that could, theoretically, cause her nosebleeds, headaches and, in some cases, even those damn whispers she keeps hearing.

Unfortunately, because you made this deal way back when in that nasty bathroom, the nosebleeds will come back. And the whispers. And the paranoia.

That's your cue to break out of the mental hospital and attack Molly at a pay phone. Then, disappear behind a bus. You'll hide for a while, then attack Molly again at her new home!

This is the sad part, you'll die. But here's a happy part, the religious chick at school will try to kill Molly for you. Sad part again, she'll die.

Did I mention this is all on the eve of Molly's 18th bday? Sorry. Well it is.

After Molly kills you, she'll whack her father over the head and take off (then kill the religious chick). She winds up with Efron and they go to his mansion (coincidentally, where his parents are never home). He takes off in the dark house and calls for Molly's help. After calling the high school counselor, Molly tromps through the house and out back to the pool house to find Efron.

Nice guy, he'll have a cake set up for her bday. Then, the counselor will show up! Molly is saved.

Not too fast. Turns out, the counselor is the SAME CLOAKED FIGURE you made a deal with 18 years ago. Here's the other problem, like half the town is in on this.

What is "this" exactly? No one knows and no one will say. The only thing we know, is that she'll have great power.

Molly's last saving grace will be to pretend that she's going to kill her dad, but instead, stab herself in the hip twice.

It won't work, though. She'll still become that thing that no one knows what it is.

All because you made that deal. See, I told you that you suck at this game. Better luck next time.

+ original post date: November 20, 2008 07:07 AM
+ categories: Bad Movie Night