August14

BMN: The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

“We see bad movies so that we can truly appreciate the good ones.”
– Someone who (obviously) thinks we’re doing ourselves a service.

I remember seeing trailers for "The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor" a long time ago and thinking to myself, "yep, we're going to be seeing that one for BMN." I was pleased to see that I wasn't let down. Sporting an amazing 11% on Rotten Tomatoes, the latest incarnation of The Mummy completely blows. From concept to execution, this movie is not worth your time or money. In fact, the ONLY cool thing about the flick were the end credits. Not just because the movie was over, but because of the cool stylistic drawings that were displayed.

I'm not going to try and top my pal Scoot's review of Kung Fu Mummy, because it's too good. Instead, I'm going to introduce you all to a game that me and my friends have started to play. Well, it's not so much of a game as it is something funny to do. It may not work so well online, but you'll get the idea.

Imagine you work at Blockbuster (or some other movie rental place), and someone comes in asking about a certain movie. Now, this person doesn't quite know what they're talking about and when they're describing the movie, all sorts of stuff gets messed up. It's up to you to figure out what movie they're wanting to rent. Ready?

Movie #1
You got that movie about stunt drivers? Something about racing cars and ramping things? It's got two dudes. I think they're gay. One's named Lou and the other one is something like Tharell or Telly.

Movie #2
What's the name of that movie with them big ole horses in it? They're running around everywhere, eating trees, I don't know. Then some people drive Hummers around on some race track or something. I think a tornado hits and in the end the horses wind up in New York City!

Movie #3
I only saw like 30 minutes of this movie, but I want to see it again. The only part I remember is this guy gets really upset at dinner and starts throwing food everywhere. I mean, this guy is pissed off. It was a mess. Oh, he was eating spaghetti, I think. He threw food on the table, on the floor, just everywhere. Then everyone else threw him down and held him there. You got that one?

Movie #4
Have any copies of that future kung-fu movie? Something with "neon" in the title? There's some dude that can jump real high and another dude that flies jets. I think they wake up and it was all a dream.

So that's the game. The funny thing is, "The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor" is so bad and so outrageous that when someone will describe this movie, it will sound like they're playing the game.

Did you ever see that movie about the dead Chinese guy? It came out some summer. Anyway, the dead guy wakes up and chases some Americans into the mountains. Then some Yeti show up and a dragon tries to burn them. They all wind up in a desert and a big war breaks out between metal guys and skeletons. And in the end, the Chinese guy burns to bits. Oh, I think someone from Frasier is in it. You see that one?

There's your movie description. That'll be about $40 million dollars, please.

+ original post date: August 14, 2008 09:33 PM
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