July18

BMN: Captivity

“We see bad movies so that we can truly appreciate the good ones.”

This week we had to break the rules for Bad Movie Night, as there were no bad movies still in town that had been in release for more than a week. Lucky for us, there was a real stinker out there. Even luckier, as we near the second half of the summer movie session, the movies tend to get worse. Luckier still, there was no Wanda Sykes in the movie this week. But there was still an omen present – Elisha Cuthbert was the star of the film and it was showing in theater 24... flashbacks to crappy television shows and mountain lions were ever present.

&lduo;Captivity” was the bad movie for the week and it wasn't adorned with good reviews – just how we like 'em. In fact, by the time we watched it, the rating was sitting at 7% and four positive reviews. Four. Here's one of the pull-quotes of those reviews:

Does exactly what it says on the tin, grabbing viewers unawares and keeping them in its thrall for an hour and a half of non-stop, heart-pounding exploitation kicks.

Let me translate that for you, it kept the viewers in captivity and tortured them for an hour and a half with an incredibly sucky film.

The guy who directed this movie (Roland Joffé) is the same person that brought us The Killing Fields and The Mission – both nominated for Oscars. What the hell happened? I'll tell you, he's also one of the four directors that gave the world the critically-acclaimed blockbuster, Super Mario Bros., the movie.

I can only imagine after a seven year layoff, Joffé was looking through the want ads in Variety and came across this ad:

ACCOMPLISHED DIRECTOR WANTED
Director needed for new Torture Porn flick that has association/distancing issues. The film is a lot like Saw and Hostel, but it's not. The film's plot is similar to Scream and Murder by Numbers, but it's different. It has been written in a way that's very by-the-numbers and everyone who watches it will be able to guess the ending (you know, mother issues). Screenplay will also show that most killers are well off and have tons of time/money to set up elaborate torture chambers in their basement. Sequels possible, but not probable. Marketing campaign will more than likely be better than the film. Approximate budget is $14,000 and most of that goes to the special effects company that will blur out Elisha Cuthbert's stripping scene. Director must supply own house for filming location and if you have any ins with a cool night club, that would rock. Serious inquiries only.

How could he NOT apply? What a perfect way to break back into the Hollywood scene. I should start scouring those want ads. I could be directing this kind of filth.

+ original post date: July 18, 2007 07:00 AM
+ categories: Bad Movie Night