June28
BMN: Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer
“We see bad movies so that we can truly appreciate the good ones.”
As soon as the latest Fantastic Four movie came out, the Bad Movie Night crew was excited. You see, when the first movie in a series comes out to a rockin' 24% on RottenTomatoes.com, you KNOW the sequel is going to be something to write home about. What's odd, though, is that “Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer” actually out-performed the original in the crtics' realm by scoring a 37%.
A 37% doesn't make it a good movie, though.
As we were preparing ourselves at Harry's Country Club, we decided to ask Scoot what he knew about the movie. He said he didn't even know what movie we were watching, “it was either something about the Fantastic Heroes or the Silver Slipper.”
Not even close, Scoot. We then asked for him to name the heroes in the movie.
“Let's see... there's the Orange Hulk Made of Rocks (The Thing). Uhhh, Invisible Chick (The Invisible Girl). Something like a Rubber Man (Mr. Fantastic). The Dude Who Shoots Electricity from his Fingertips (Dr. Doom, a bad guy). And isn't there some guy that blows ice? No? Oh, there's a Fireman (The Human Torch).”
We should've just let Scoot tell us what he thought the movie should be. It was already more entertaining.
Away we went to the movie, Scoot-less, mind you, and soon enough we were whisked away into the Marvel Universe. Or, rather I should say a portion of the Marvel Universe that doesn't match up with the X-Men at all. In the Fantastic Four world, the heroes are super stars, constantly headlining the gossip columns and television shows. In the X-Men world, the heroes are freaks and normal people want them dead. Sure, a big orange rock guy is so much more idol-worthy than a gorgeous red head.
But not only are the Fantastic Heroes superstars, they're also sponsored... by Dodge, Dell and a whole assortment of other corporations just looking to hop on the next big thing. Dodge was even bold enough to put a hemi inside the new Fantastic Heroes hover car that Rubber Man made – yes, they made sure to point that out in the movie.
The lone bright spot of the film was the Silver Slipper. He was so cool, in fact, that there's already talk of a movie JUST for him. Because we need more comic movies. Right?
One of the main plot points (SPOILER WARNING) was how Fireman's molecular structure gets jacked up when he makes contact with the Silver Slipper. After the encounter, whoever Fireman touches, he trades power with them. Trades power. Switches. He can't fly or be on fire until he touches the other person again. Well, the trading notion goes away when he has to take all of the Fantastic Heroes' powers to beat up Fingertip Electricity Dude. It's just a minor continuity error, but whatever. It makes for good story-telling.
Another thing that was prevalent in the film was the writer's utter desire to make us hate the villains by f'ing with some of Earth's more historic landmarks. The Silver Slipper caused the Sphinx had two inches of snow covering it and caused the London Eye to nearly fall into the river. Fingertip Electricity Dude tried to destroy the Great Wall of China (but he's an asshole). And last, but not least, this giant space tornado thing totally messed up Saturn's rings en route to eating our planet! Dick!
Woe is us! Thank God for the Fantastic Heroes. I hope they make another PG film, aimed at kids, with tons of horrible one-liners and Jessica Alba looking un-hot with her fake blue eyes, fake blond hair and one-inch deep make-up. If only!
+ original post date: June 28, 2007 07:15 AM
+ categories: Bad Movie Night
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Best. Movie Review. Evar.
Did the power switching thwart any of Fireman's palm adventures, or perhaps cause him to have palm misadventures?
I hope the Fantastic Heroes fixed Saturn's rings at the end by having The Dude Who Blows Ice give the planet a rim job. That pisses me off that the Silver Slipper would be so damn inconsiderate.
+ author: ScooterJ
+ posted: June 28, 2007 08:09 AM
Now what Seth left out was the post-theatre excitement. Swearing that there was something at the very end of the movie, our boy Nik stayed behind watching the credits (we never did see him again, nor did he pick up when I tried to call his cell -- hell, he might still be in there for all we know) so Seth and I bolted.
On our way out we passed this really goofy looking young couple on a pseudo-date. They were no older than 17 years old and the dude was lookin' sharp. Blessed with the looks of what would be Jason Schwartzman's retarded younger brother, the kid topped it all off with a Mighty Thor t-shirt. Ahh, youth. So as Seth and I were discussing said stud, we walked through the exits of the building -- me through one door, Seth through the door next to it which was being held open by a dude on his cell phone.
Three steps later and we're both brought to a sudden stop when a thunderous "YOU'RE WELCOME, ASSHOLE!" was tossed out by The Doorman, his girlfriend in silence nearby. The guy took a couple steps towards Seth and started in on him with a "I held the door for you, man." At this point, I just assumed that the guy must know Seth and was playfully giving him shit for old time's sake. Oh no, this was real.
The guy remained a couple feet away from Seth -- his cell phone conversation still going, mind you -- and said kept repeating that Seth needed to say "thank you." The Doorman's girlfriend came to life and tried to talk him down, telling The Doorman that his actions were "uncalled for."
Seth, completely in stunned silence due to the absurdity of this moment in time, shrugged and we both walked off. As we were both heading to the car, I could hear the girlfriend jumping The Doorman's ass telling him basically that that wasn't cool. Yet, The Doorman continued to firmly believe that Seth should have completely bowed down in gratitude for the door holding.
Wow.
So, lesson learned here? Always say "thank you" when you spy a Neanderthal holding the door for you. This apparently is all they have to live for.
+ author: Ken
+ posted: June 28, 2007 10:49 AM
Whew! Guys... so I stayed behind right... and after the credits they played the movie AGAIN! Like twenty minutes later or something. After that they didn't play it again for eleven hours and fifteen minutes (I timed it), but guess what, they played it again and again. It was awesome and I think it's a secret cause some dude in a vest chased me off. So I just got back and thought I'd let you know.
+ author: The Dude
+ posted: June 28, 2007 04:19 PM
love the comment about continuity.
next week I am out, but get me back on the mailing list.
+ author: shaun
+ posted: June 29, 2007 09:37 AM
so i actually read the script for this way back in november of 06 so that i could make this site
seekthesilversurfer
hurray for more hits!
but anyway, the script actually read much better than you might think. the bit when the human torch chases down the surfer (or slipper?) was written really well and i think even executed well. but that was pretty much it.
but here is the thing. i read a whole lot about how bad it was and i watched it and thought it was bad too. but the people i watched it with? LOVED it. they laughed when you groaned. they were afraid when you were bored. and they went to burger king afterwards when you went home and made dinner. and when they make a movie about "that silver ass alien dude" as he was so eloquently called during my viewing, they will watch it in droves and love it too. especially if it farts in space.
oh and in niks defense i heard the same thing about the ending.
+ author: thomas
+ posted: June 29, 2007 11:31 AM
Years later, this is still one of the funniest movie reviews I have ever read. (I still haven't seen the movie.)
+ author: Scoot
+ posted: November 29, 2012 02:19 PM
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