June07

BMN: See No Evil

Two weeks ago, we were supposed to go watch “See No Evil,” and it was going to be a gem. Why? Because, at that moment in time, it was the only film we had ever seen on Rotten Tomatoes that had a 0% rating. Yes, zero, zilch, nada. As in, the movie was so bad, that no critic gave it a positive review.

That was then.

Now, after three weeks in theaters, I suppose the movie has magically gotten better. It’s sporting a 6% rating over at RT and boasts three “fresh” reviews out of 50. If you do the math, 3 / 50 = 6. This alarming fact only led us to one question: who in the hell liked this movie? The answer: Chuck Wilson of L.A. WEEKLY, J. R. Jones of the CHICAGO READER and John Beifuss of COMMERCIAL APPEAL.

They should all be fired. Or pointed, and laughed (hysterically), at.

This movie was bad. Granted, it wasn’t “Supercross: The Movie” bad (which had a huge 2% rating on RT), but it was pretty damn awful.

There IS a silver lining, however, and this is a secret that we shouldn’t share with too many people. If you want to make a horror movie – one that gets distributed nationally, and you’re not a WRESTLING-based film production company (note all films listed star a, wait for it, wrestler), then here are the rules you need to follow.

How To Successfully Write/Direct A Crappy Horror Movie (And Still Get It Distributed)

1. Make a good first impression: This means you need to find a good intro song, say, like the one used in “Se7en.” And while we’re talking about that movie, make the film look all grainy, because grainy = scary.
2. Have children sing a song: This will absolutely KILL an audience. The younger the kids, the better. If they keep repeating the song, you’re golden. If it can have religious undertones, you’re nearing Oscar territory. And, to top it off, if you play the song during a murder sequence, you could possibly have repeat viewers.
3. The killer needs a trademark weapon: Machete? Axe? Metal claws? Chainsaw? Nope. Those have all been used. We need something newer, something more fresh. How about a hook. That’s never been done before.
4. Add in an over-bearing mother figure: All the best horror flicks have done this, so why stray from the pack? We all know moms can be hella crappy, so it only makes sense that some of us will turn into insane killers. Give the audience something they can RELATE to.
5. If a mom isn’t enough, add in religion: Again, we all know that religion can seriously screw us in the head. If you add this to the mom-factor, you’ll be considered a genius in most circles.
6. Teenage rule #1: Your film needs to have some young kids in the movie. In fact, center the entire story around them.
7. Teenage rule #2: At some point in the film, the kids need to either a) strip down, or, b) have sex. Ha, just kidding. Sex and nudity is so 1980s, just show some butts and you’ll be fine.
8. Teenage rule #3: All teens smoke pot or do some form of drugs. The film won’t be believable if you don’t include it. This is a MUST.
9. Nonsense plots rule the roost: Most horror flicks have super intricate story lines. Blah blah blah. Don’t bore the audience with this nonsense. Here’s an example of a good plot – Cop has hand chopped off in gruesome accident. Fast forward four years (why four? who cares!). Take a group of teenagers from a detention center to an old abandoned/burned down hotel to clean it up (yes, the hotel has been vacant for 20+ years. yes, all the crap is still inside of it. no, a hazmat team isn’t necessary.). Let the killing ensue.
10. Speaking of plots, throw in even more nonsense: If the title of the rule doesn’t make sense, how about this – Kill off the one-armed cop within 15 minutes. Uh, maybe one of the supervisors decides to accept a marriage proposal right before getting killed. Oh, and how about you make the bad guy’s head have maggots in it. That makes NO sense, but is PERFECT!!!
11. Gruesome killings are a MUST: The more gruesome, the better. For example, shove a cell phone down someone’s throat. Know what, forget the killings, just pluck people’s eyes out. That’s pretty sick.
12. You gotta have a twist: What’s the crazy twist at the end of the film? Everyone will be expecting one. And don’t try to pull something crazy on them, make it simple and predictable. Also, the killer can’t die on the first attempt, everyone knows that.
13. Don’t show a trailer during the previews that’s better than you’re movie: This is a big time no-no. But you wouldn’t be that stupid, would you?

Those are the rules. I don’t suggest sharing them if you want instant movie-making success. I know I won’t.

As we were leaving the theater, Nik muttered, “I’ve had better proctologist appointments than this movie.” I’m sure you have, Nik, but I won’t be watching them unless it gets a bad rating on RT – you know the rules.

+ original post date: June 7, 2006 12:17 AM
+ categories: Bad Movie Night